my dad’s dad left his family when my dad was nine. he moved to germany cause my nana was gonna turn him in for not paying childsupport. he got remarried had a kid and never contacted my dad agian. my dad has never gotten over it. i think i posted about this yesterday. my dad finally got the courage to tell his dad how much he hates him and how bad he fucked up by leaving them, he told me but told me not to tell my mom. he thought she’d be mad at him, which i didn’t understand cause she’s not like that. now i find out he not only emailed his dad but also his dad’s 13 year old son and told him what a dick his dad was and ranted to this kid about all the things his dad did to him. it’s not that kids fault. he didn’t do anything. leave him out of it. my dad’s all proud of himself. i feel bad for him. he’s a forty year old man and he still hasn’t gotten over it.
oh and i found my 13 year old “uncle” on facebook. he be ugly as hell. he looks like an alien.
Permalink · 2 years ago......
i’m getting really ******* tired of people thinking im like 10. IM TURNING 18 IN AUGUST. everyone treats me like a little kid cause they don’t realise how old i am. i get handed kids menus when we go out to eat and lollipops when we go to the pharmacy. i get little twerps talkin to me like a child when im older than them. like a month ago when i went to the hospital, the nurse asked me if i had to “go potty.” im 17. i think if i need to “potty” i can take care of it myself. then when i came back she had the nerve to ask me if i “wiped real good.” i’ve been wiping fine for 17 years i think i got this. everyones like “oh you’ll love it when your old and you’ll look way younger than everyone else.” i don’t give a **** about when im old, i just don’t wanna look like a child.
Permalink · 2 years ago....
apparently the day i was absent we were assigned a spanish project and this girl requested to be my partner. today she messaged me and told me that i’ll need to do it, because she’s skipping school today and it’s due tomorrow. bitch.
UHM no. message that girl back and be like “hell to the motherfuckin no.”
haha exactly. she had a whole skip day that her ass could have worked on it.
Permalink · 2 years ago......
i can totally tell my grandma talked to my uncle about “my lack of interest.” the whole ride home yesterday he gave me the “what do you wanna do with your life. what if you don’t marry someone who can support you. what if you don’t get married. do you wanna have money to go on vacations. do you wanna be like your parents relying on your grandparents for money. what are you going to do. what if you can’t get into college. art isn’t a career. it’s a hobby.” speech. blah blah blah. thank god for ipods.
Permalink · 2 years ago.....
i ate so bad today
my class walked to the donut store during bible class, so i had a donut and a monster for breakfast. i skipped lunch. came home went to my grandmas. ate a fudgesicle. went mothers day shopping, and then ate chuys. who’s a fattie? ZOEEEE!
Permalink · 2 years ago.....
my brother and sister were fighting over who got to sleep in my bed tonight, so i was a nice big sister and said that just for tonight they could both cram in my bed. now, they won’t shut up and go to sleep. the one night i feel like going to bed early and they have to mess it up.
Permalink · 2 years ago.......
i seriously think i’m going insane.
Permalink · 2 years ago.......
D:
my house is creeepy. im home babysitting my sleeping brother and sister, and i’m hearing voices. ****. somebody save me!
Permalink · 2 years ago......
this weekend was so peaceful without my sister here. no arguing. no screaming. no one getting in my ****. no one makeing comments about how i’ve gotten fatter…. and now we have to pick her up…. meghhh.
Permalink · 2 years ago.....
i haven’t slept much this week. i keep having weird dreams. the night before last i kept having dreams that someone was calling my name, and i’d sit up and go WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT? and wake everyone up. but last night my little brother and sister came and got in my bed. we were super squished but i actually slept the whole night and had no weird dreams. it was weird.
Permalink · 2 years ago...
i consider myself to be a good friend, and it really makes me sad that i can’t seem to find very many people who are good friends back. i’m tired of people letting me down. i’m tired of being dissapointed. i’m tired of all the immaturity. i’m tired of all the bull ****.
i don’t want fake friends. i don’t want immature friends. i don’t want friends that put me down constantly. i don’t want friends that are never there for me, or they’re only there when it’s convienant. i don’t want friends that don’t understand me. i don’t want friends that are full of ****. maybe i should just quit being a good friend. then maybe i wouldn’t feel so let down when i don’t get it back.
Permalink · 2 years ago....
dear gravity,
you’ve held me down in this starless city. i’ve been here so long.
stuck. trapped. all the time i was dreaming of a day where you might let me float away to a place i could finally be happy. my worst fear was that you’d trap me here forever. Please let me float away to anywhere other than this awful city.
i was all alone in this starless city. i was miserable. i searched and
searched for a star, but i couldn’t find one. i decided that either all the stars were excellent at hiding or this city truly was starless and miserable.
life felt like death, because i wasn’t really living…just surviving. all
hope was gone. i felt nothing. empty. i kept telling myself it didn’t matter, but it did. i didn’t want to live like this, like an empty shell of the person i used to be. i wanted to be me again, but I couldn’t find myself among all the hopelessness. it was so dark. i had no star to light my way. i was completely lost.
this city was filled with people…but still i was alone. they said they
loved me, but i didn’t believe them and couldn’t love them. they just didn’t understand. they just weren’t stars so I couldn’t find love for them. i couldn’t fit in with them. they were just as empty as I was, but they pretended to be full. it felt like we were different species even though i knew we were all human… or were we? maybe i was something else. i didn’t know. maybe, all the loneliness, emptiness, and darkness turned me into a monster…maybe.
i stayed like this for a long time, wallowing in my sadness, but one
day i woke up and told myself i was done. i didn’t want to live this way any longer. i wanted to be happy again. i wanted to have hope. i would find happiness if it killed me… but how would i do it? like i wasn’t already confused enough… now I had to try and find happiness. what even is happiness? i hadn’t felt it in so long, i had begun to forget what it felt like. i thought for a long time about what happiness really was and where i could find it. i decided I needed a star. with even just one star, i could find my way to happiness, back to myself…the old me…the me i actually liked.
i set out on my journey to the stars. i searched far and wide. i
looked and looked. I kept telling myself it was ok. i’d find my star, but eventually i began to get even more hopeless. i despaired thinking there was no way out of the sadness, no way out of hopelessness, no way out of this empty shell of the old me. I’d be trapped inside this sad, pathetic excuse of a me forever. i got angry. i was angry at these people who kept telling me it was ok. it was not ok. i was angry at myself for letting myself get like this and angry at myself for not understanding how it got like this. i was angry at you, gravity, because you trapped me here. i pictured you as a mean spiteful monster sitting back and laughing at my misery. it was your fault. you could let me free, but istead you trapped me here. i didn’t know what to do, but i just kept going. i had to.
just when i thought all was lost… i caught a glimpse of light. i was
instantly curious and moved closer. when i looked at it i saw happiness. i saw hope. i saw myself before i became this empty, lonely monster. i’d found it! i found my star! it was right here in front of me. i started to cry tears of joy. i found all the things that i was missing. i found me! it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. my life was good again.
gravity, i’ve realized now how amazing you are. i was so mad at
you for holding me down, but if you had let me float away like i wanted you to, i would have never found my star. my fear is no longer staying in this city, my fear is floating away…away from this city and my star. i know now that nothing is starless. we can find stars anywhere if we look hard enough. i know now that i should trust you to take me where i need to go. you know what’s best for me and i will never doubt you again. i guess what i’m trying to say is… gravity, thanks for holding me down in this not so starless city.
sincerely,
me.
Permalink · 2 years ago......
why can’t my friends stay consistently normal? one day they’ll be normal, then they try to act all badass and bitchy, then next week they’ll be all sweet and good little christian kids, and then they hate christians, whoops now they’re depressed, whoops now they’re sad, whoops now their badass again. for god’s sake. please. just stop. i’m getting whiplash from all your personality changes.
my best friend is the only one i have that doesn’t go through these damn weirdass phases. she’s just her. all the time.
i don’t get it.
Permalink · 2 years ago....
i hate when i don’t get enough sleep. i turn into a frustrated, impatient, mean bitch, and then i feel bad for being so mean. lately, this has been happening alot. if i’ve been a bitch to you, im very sorry. blame the insomnia.
Permalink · 2 years ago.....
i skipped chemistry to be moral support for my friend who’s boyfriend is being ass. well he’s always an ass, but he’s recently been even more of one. his ugly ass is lucky to have some one as cute and sweet as her, but he treats her like ****. he is all controlling and mean to her. i wish she could see what an ass he really is. she’s so sweet. she doesn’t deserve that crap. she could totally do better. he even had the nerve to tell her he wasted his senior prom by going with her. asstart. i’ll probably get talked to for skipping, but it was worth it.
Permalink · 2 years ago............
finally somebody listens to me!
my uncle is a doctor and he talked to me about my “episodes” and he agrees with me that they are really seizures and he talked my mom into calling my doctor to get a referral to see a neurologist. he also said that it should be able to be taken care of with daily medication which would be nice. i hope we finally get an answer!
Permalink · 2 years ago.......
“oh zo, now that you’re up go feed the cat, dump the litter box, and pick up the cat **** in your brother’s room.” thanks mom. good morning to you too.
Permalink · 2 years ago.....
so i realized the other day that since i’ve been in this depressing funk, i’ve quit doing my art. so this week i’ve been constantly sketching and listening to all this mellow music like regina spector, ben folds, and jupiter one, and i’ve actually felt alot better.
Permalink · 2 years ago.....
i’m so tired of this fainting ****.
I’m fainting and feeling crazy all the time. the doctors have done all kinds of tests and they can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. i’ve seen all kinds of specialists. nobody can figure out anything. i googled my symptoms and found out that there’s this spasmless seizure that better describes my symptoms than “fainting” does, but no one will listen to me. they all say of course it can’t be that. well why not? it’s the only test you haven’t done. what’s one more test?
no one takes me seriously. my friends all think it’s funny. no one understands how scary this **** is. out of nowhere all of a sudden i can’t see. can’t walk. my heart is pounding. i’m shaking like crazy. i’m conscious of what’s going on but when i try to talk or scream for help it’s just a bunch of noise coming out. sometimes if i’m lucky enough i actually pass out, but if i don’t, i just go on like that for only God knows how long. it’s so fuckin scary, but no one understands.
this lady at my school told me it’s because my relationship with God isn’t right, and that if i pray to Him it will go away. Lady, you don’t understand at all. first off, how the hell would you know my relationship with God? so you think God is giving me this as what? punishment? I’ve had this ever since i was little. it’s just gotten ALOT worse lately. you think i haven’t prayed about this. of course i pray about it. i hate it. it scares the hell out of me. i pray about it all the time.
i can’t be normal. i’m almost 18, but i can’t drive. i had to quit soccer. i have to miss a butt load of school. i was fired from my last job for “fainting” during a photoshoot. now my parents say they don’t want me having a job. they won’t let me go anywhere by myself. i can’t even go swimming in our own pool without my mom or something watching me, because if it were to happen while i was swimming i would probably drown.
i’m missing school alot because i’m having so many “episodes” (the doctors use this rediculous term). everyone thinks i’m just using it as an excuse to skip. i wish they could have one of these damn “episodes” and then maybe they’d understand.
my own “friend” basically told me it’s all in my head and i just need to get over it, that she has no sympathy. i find this really ironic, since i’ve always stuck by her through all her useless drama that she starts her self. helped her through her pregnancy scares and crap.. but she couldn’t give a flying poop about what’s going on with me.
i feel like there’s no one i can talk to about this. nobody seems to understand.
Permalink · 2 years ago......
my friends at school are all pmsing and pissy at each other and i hardly ever get to see my best friend anymore. i miss her like MUCHO. im feeling pretty lonely at the moment :(
Permalink · 2 years ago.....
****. i just took a 4 hour nap on accident. now im never going to be able to fall asleep tonight.
Permalink · 2 years ago......
2 months away from my senior year of high school, and i STILL havent taken the ACT or SAT, i STILL dont know where i want to ogo, or where i want to go, or if i even want to go anywhere, i havent looked at schools, i havent requested information.
birthlifedeath:
and i dont really give a ****.
same here.
Permalink · 2 years ago....
homophobia is a disease, just like mental retardation and judgemental mentality, and, my dear, i’m afraid you are severely infected. i am not gay in the least bit and i am also a Christian, but i am so tired of homophobic Christians preaching their judgmental garbage that is not welcome here. please go actually educate yourself by actually reading God’s word instead of twisting the few verses you happen to know to fit whatever situation you need it too or to bash whoever you currently need it to. thankyou and good night.
Permalink · 2 years ago......
every time i turn on regina spector in my room, i hear my mom yell “who’s dying?!” i consider this quite annoying. we then usually begin arguing over wether or not she sounds like crap and i usually end the argument with “shut up and go listen to your fat redneck music.” this is what just happened. again.
Permalink · 2 years ago...
my mom just woke me up like an hour and a half ago and im already ready for a nap. i’m gonna try to stay awake and draw so i can sleep tonight.
Permalink · 2 years ago.....
im so tired yet i cant sleep. AGAIN. i think im a vampire. i want to sleep all day and stay up all night.
Permalink · 2 years ago......
****. no wonder i’m feeling so crappy. i haven’t taken my medicine in like a week. good job zo!
Permalink · 2 years ago......
no sleep + embarrassing breakdowns + best friend + embarrassing talks with lady at school + awkward conversation with principle + awkwardness with best friend because of awkward conversations = my day.
Permalink · 2 years ago.....
ian: poppy, why dont you wear a diaper? you’re old.
poppy: i’ll wear one if you’ll change it.
Permalink · 2 years ago.....
+/- of today
+got to see best friend
+i think i may have seen wentz at walmart… no joke.
-still sick
-had to stand out in the heat most of the day
-saw a bunch of people i hated from my old school
-some random kid drooled on me
-got bitched out by my grandma for not wanting to come clean her house for her because im sick
-my sister farted on me
-we ran out of nyquil :(
-babysitting AGAIN
BOOYAH!
Permalink ·
RANT
so i go to a gay ass christian school and im so tired of it. im tired of christians. christians always telling me how i should feel, what i need to do, what to believe, and judging me. they’re stuck up, hipocritical, mean people. how the hell do you know my relationship with God? how the hell do you know what people are going through. they’re a bunch of rich, immature, sheltered babies. they don’t know **** about what lifes really like, so don’t tell me what to do. you ain’t my mother. yeah, ok mr. you have been “ordained” and? have you died and gone to heaven? nope. neither have i. good. we’re on the same level. you don’t know anymore than i do. so how the hell are you gonna tell me that what you believe is right and anything other than that is wrong? imma believe what i believe, and you aren’t going to change that. yes, i love God, but if this “God” of yours tells you to act like this then im pretty sure we aren’t worshiping the same God. my God would never want someone to act like that. yes, im a “believer” and no i don’t go to church. you know why? because i can’t take anymore of you people. i have a better relationship with God when i’m not forced to put up with you. maybe you should try actually reading that Bible you shove in everyones face. you might learn something. /end rant….
Permalink · 2 years ago.....
so…
its seems i’ve lost my camera cord again, but i have NOT given up on my 365. im still taking pictures. i just cant upload them.
so… this last week was insane. i was either passing out our passed out for most of it. everyone freaked out thinking i had a heart problem. i’ve felt super shitty with all this fainting and shaking all the time.
i’ve figured out some things about my self that both scare the crap out of me and give me hope if that even makes sense at all. but then again, most of the things i think seem to not make sense anyways.
my current depression has pretty much fucked me. im failing 3 classes and i cant bring myself to go to class because im so miserable. ive gotten sneaky about skipping and stuff which scares the hell out of me. and if i dont soon bring my grades up i lose alot of the things i’ve worked hard to get, i’ve gotten fat cause all i wanna do is sleep all the time. my parents think i need to see a therapist but i just dont think it will help. i dont even understand why im feeling like this, so how the hell is some stranger going to get it. the ironic part of it is i recently discovered i’d might like to become a therapist. is that not completely insane?
…and i realised who my friends really are, and i’ve realised i have more than i thought i had. i’ve worked things out with some and gotten closer to others.
so thats been my week.
Permalink · 2 years ago....
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