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E2014T
09-27-2015, 08:08 AM
The Engineer

An engineer dies and reports to Hell.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell"?

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next".

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here".

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him".

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue".

Satan laughs, "Yeah, right, and just where are you going to get a lawyer"?

E2014T
09-28-2015, 05:31 AM
Grandma writes:

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could.

Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas.

It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love ya all,

Grandma

E2014T
09-28-2015, 08:37 AM
TIMES CHANGE: IF JESUS WERE BORN TODAY

INFANT DISCOVERED IN BARN. CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES LAUNCH PROBE.

Nazareth Carpenter Being Held On Charges Involving Underage Mother.
Bethlehem, Judea - Authorities were today alerted by a concerned citizen who noticed a family living in a barn. Upon arrival, Family Protective Service personnel, accompanied by police, took into protective care an infant child named Jesus, who had been wrapped in strips of cloth and placed in a feeding trough by his 14-year old mother, Mary of Nazareth.

During the confrontation, a man identified as Joseph, also of Nazareth, attempted to stop the social workers. Joseph, aided by several local shepherds and some unidentified foreigners, tried to forestall efforts to take the child, but were restrained and tasored by the police.

Also being held for questioning are three foreigners who allege to be wise men from an eastern country.

The INS and Homeland Security officials are seeking information about these who may be in the country illegally. A source with the INS states that they had no passports, but were in possession of gold and other possibly illegal substances. They resisted arrest saying that they had been warned by God to avoid officials in Jerusalem and to return quickly to their own country. The chemical substances in their possession will be tested.

The owner of the barn is also being held for questioning. The manager of Bethlehem Inn faces possible revocation of his license for violating health and safety regulations by allowing people to stay in the stable. Civil authorities are also investigating the zoning violations involved in maintaining livestock in a commercially-zoned district.

The location of the minor child will not be released, and the prospect for a quick resolution to this case is doubtful. Asked about when Jesus would be returned to his mother, a Child Protective Service spokesperson said, "The father is middle-aged and the mother is definitely underage. We are checking with officials in Nazareth to determine what their legal relationship is."

Joseph has admitted taking Mary from her home in Nazareth because of a purported census requirement. However, because she was obviously pregnant when they left, investigators are looking into other reasons for their departure.

Joseph is being held without bond on charges of molestation, kidnapping, child endangerment, and statutory rape.

Mary was taken to the Bethlehem General Hospital where she is being examined by doctors. Charges may also be filed against her for endangerment. She will also undergo psychiatric evaluation because of her claim that she is a virgin and that the child is from God.

The director of the psychiatric wing said, "I don't profess to have the right to tell people what to believe, but when their beliefs adversely affect the safety and well-being of others - in this case her child - we must consider her a danger to others. The unidentified drugs at the scene didn't help her case, but I'm confident that with the proper therapy regimen we can get her back on her feet."

A spokesperson for the governor's office said, "Who knows what was going through their heads? But regardless, their treatment of the child was inexcusable, and the involvement of these others frightening. There is much we don't know about this case, but for the sake of the child and the public, you can be assured that we will pursue this matter to the end."

E2014T
09-28-2015, 05:02 PM
Our esteemed admin, littleroundman, had this hilarious joke posted in another thread:

http://www.realscam.com/f34/husband-shop-4151/#post87304

A shop that sells new husbands has opened in your town, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love children.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more,' so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

E2014T
09-29-2015, 07:35 AM
FBI agents conducted a "search and seizure" at the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital in San Diego, which was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of poring over many rooms of financial records, some sixty FBI agents worked up quite an appetite. The case agent in charge of the investigation called a local pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place:


Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.

Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.

Pizza man: To the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And you're over at Southwood?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And everyone at Southwood is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza man: How are you going to pay for this?

Agent: I have my check book right here.

Pizza man: And you are all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right, everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza man: I don't think so.

Click.

Uncle Festa
09-29-2015, 09:55 AM
For FBI insert Eagle. Neither version is funny


FBI agents conducted a "search and seizure" at the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital in San Diego, which was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of poring over many rooms of financial records, some sixty FBI agents worked up quite an appetite. The case agent in charge of the investigation called a local pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place:


Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.

Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.

Pizza man: To the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And you're over at Southwood?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And everyone at Southwood is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza man: How are you going to pay for this?

Agent: I have my check book right here.

Pizza man: And you are all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right, everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza man: I don't think so.

Click.

E2014T
09-29-2015, 10:03 AM
An old mexican man lived alone in East Los Angeles. He wanted to spade his garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Jose, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Jose:

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my garden this year. I'm just too old to be digging up a garden. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.

Tu Padre
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa:

Por Dios, Papa, don't dig up the garden. That's where I buried all my drugs and money.

Tu hijo,
Jose
At 6 a.m. the next morning, the L.A. Sheriffs showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any drugs or money. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa:

Go ahead and plant your garden now, papa. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,
Jose

E2014T
09-29-2015, 10:05 AM
Neither version is funny
So post jokes you think are funny. That's what the thread is for.

Uncle Festa
09-29-2015, 05:10 PM
So post jokes you think are funny. That's what the thread is for.


Eagle of Eagle Research Associates.

E2014T
09-29-2015, 06:04 PM
This is a general humor thread. Your personal attacks on other forum members are out of place here. Please do not derail this thread with inappropriate posts.

Uncle Festa
09-29-2015, 06:16 PM
This is a general humor thread. Your personal attacks on other forum members are out of place here. Please do not derail this thread with inappropriate posts.


I'm sorry but I find Eagle of Eagle Research Associates extremely funny.

okosh
09-29-2015, 08:02 PM
Did you hear about the man who died from an overdose of viagra??.....At the funeral they couldn't close the casket.....)))

EagleOne
09-30-2015, 03:07 AM
Did they call his doctor since he had an erection for more than 4 hours?

littleroundman
09-30-2015, 03:20 AM
Did they call his doctor since he had an erection for more than 4 hours?

They tried, but the guys' wife fought them tooth and nail

E2014T
09-30-2015, 05:09 AM
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular. Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

E2014T
09-30-2015, 07:44 AM
A week at the gym.....one man's story
For anyone thinking of getting back into shape, this is very funny...

ONE MAN'S STORY...

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to

go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!


TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh** too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.


FRIDAY:

I hate that bit** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other bit**), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal or a vasectomy.

okosh
09-30-2015, 08:02 PM
They tried, but the guys' wife fought them tooth and nail

They were having an FFM threesome.....The wife also took too much viagra.....Was 3 days b4 she could put her tongue back in her mouth..

E2014T
10-01-2015, 05:39 AM
The European Commission

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.

By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!

EagleOne
10-01-2015, 03:45 PM
Diary of My Next Door Neighbor's First Winter in Indiana

December 8, 6:00pm:

It started to snow. The first snow of the season, and the wife and I took our hot drinks and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I LOVE SNOW!!

December 9:

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled snow for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveways and sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came by and covered up the sidewalks and covered in the driveway, so I got to shovel snow again. What a perfect life.

December 12:

The sun has melted all of our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor Lynn tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have snow and a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful. Lynn says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that is possible. Lynn is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14:

Snow* lovely snow*! 8” last night. The temperature dropped to - 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I just wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so much.

December 15:

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that is silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16:

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rump on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurts terribly. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at my wife and to try not to imitate her. Guess I should have bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe that I am freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:

Electricity’s back on, but had another 14” of that blasted snow last night! More shoveling. Took all day. That jerk driving that snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they are lying. Called the only hardware store here to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. They said they might have another shipment in March. I think they are lying. Lynn says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22:

Lynn was right about a white Christmas because 10 more inches of the white stuff fell today. It’s so cold it probably won’t melt until August! Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went to the bathroom and got dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Lynn who has a snow blade on the front of his truck for the rest of the winter, but he said he was too busy. I think the idiot is lying.

December 23:

Only 2” of snow today, and it warmed up to 0! The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. Is she nuts?!! Why didn’t she tell me to do this 2 months ago? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.

December 24:

6” more fell. Snow packed so hard by the snowplow that I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that jerk who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his heels. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, then he comes down the street at 100 mph just to throw snow all over where I have shoveled. Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow. Lynn says I need to shovel all that snow on my roof, or it could cave in. Yeah right!

December 25:

Merry Christmas! 12 more inches of the blasted, yucky, messy, white slop fell tonight. snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes by blood boil. I hate the snow!! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s crazy. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to choke her.

December 26:

Still snowed in. Why in the world did I ever move here? It was all my wife’s idea to move here. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27:

Temperature dropped to - 30 and the pipes froze.

December 28:

Warmed up to -10. Still snowed in and the pipes are still frozen. The wife is driving me crazy!

December 29:

10 more inches of snow! Lynn says I have to shovel the roof now or it will cave in. That’s the silliest thing I have ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:

The roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for $1 Million, the wife went home to be with her mother, and 9” of snow predicted.

December 31:

Set fire to the rest of the house. No more shoveling!!

January 2:

I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. But why am I tied to the bed?

E2014T
10-02-2015, 07:02 AM
Things you shouldn't say to a police officer:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are!
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

E2014T
10-03-2015, 05:31 AM
Con quotes:

In the old days, a con man would be good looking, suave, well dressed, well spoken and presented themselves real well. Those days are gone because it's not necessary. The people committing these crimes are doing them from hundreds of miles away.
- Frank Abagnale

If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con' what is the opposite of 'progress'?
-Paul Harvey

We live in a quick-fix society where we need instant gratification for everything. Too fat? Get lipo-sucked. Stringy hair? Glue on extensions. Wrinkles and lines? Head to the beauty shop for a pot of the latest miracle skin stuff. It's all a beautiful £1 billion con foisted upon insecure women by canny cosmetic conglomerates.
-Joan Collins

The whole secret to our success is being able to con ourselves into believing that we're going to change the world because statistically we are unlikely to do it.
-Tom Peters

I'm a con artist in that I'm an actor. I make people believe something is real when they know perfectly well it isn't.
-John Lithgow

E2014T
10-21-2015, 07:02 AM
How to Tell Where a Cop works:

Narcotics
-Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
-Start wearing size medium "Tap Out" t-shirts
-Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
-Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
-Practice the "Don't acknowledge me, even while in the police station, look."
-Thinks sh#t doesn't stink and even the Chief worships them
-Make every case involve overtime $$$.
-Rates the hotness level of "cranker chicks" and has tried to date at least one at one time
-Learn to play golf drunk.
SWAT
-Wear hut-hut team T-shirts (size medium- to accent pecs and biceps), Oakley sunglasses and boots every day.
-Try to fit the word "breach" and "tactical" in to every conversation. (Ex. "I just breached my pants. That was so funny!")
-Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
-Never say hello to anyone who is not a SWAT operator, just practice the SWAT head nod.
-Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune, Guns and Ammo and Muscle and Fitness magazines.
-Pleasures themselves over gun collection
-Do EVERYTHING together, including showering and "wrestling"
-Learn to play golf wearing a gun, a tactical knife and a back-up gun (just in case)
Community Service Units
-Hate SWAT.
-Work to make everybody love you.
-Paint your office in pastel colors.
-Think Feng Shui.
-Subscribe to Psychology Today.
-Learn to play miniature golf.
Traffic units
-Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
-Learn to make other cops hate them
-Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
-Annoy the **** out of everyone on the radio by having complete disregard for anyone else's radio traffic.
-Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
-Constantly ride by a building with big windows to chec kout your reflection.
-Refer to the "other" law enforcement officers as "Car cops."
-"LBR" (Look Bitchin' Riding) is your mantra. May even have this as a tattoo
-Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.
K-9 Units
-Become sadistic.
-Show pictures of your latest and best dog bite.
-Facebook profile pic is of dog
-Brag about your largest drug find.
-Smell like a dog.
-Starts to look like your dog
-Workout 3 times a day.
-Show off your bruises and bites, even when it is on your ass.
Administrative/Management Units
-Three-hour lunches every day, tell everybody it's a "meeting."
-Upgrade department cell phone every month.
-Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
-Has sold soul and lost balls years ago
-Has awesome pen set
-Updates revenge list on a weekly basis.
-Expert at PowerPoint, bar charts and graphs
-Sh#t a brick when Ashley Madison accounts went public
-Golf Rules! Play LOTS of golf.
Patrol Units
-Has nerves of steel.
-In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
-Inability to keep mouth shut.
-Has defining tastes in alcohol.
-The higher the seniority the further back you sit in briefing
-Is actually respected by peers.
-Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot.
FTO
-Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when car is put in gear.
-Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a "good training opportunity" and asks to take primary.
-Life long case of irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
-Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day.
-Buys migraine medicine by the case
-No time for golf
Detectives
-Come in at 0800.
-"Breakfast" from 0815 to 1030.
-Work from 1030 to Noon.
-Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch.
-1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn't know. Plan your next RV, fishing, wine tasting or motorcycle trip.
Patrol Sergeant
-Remembers very well "how we usta do do it."
-Always willing to tell his officers the above.
-Tries to fit the word "liability" in to every sentence.
-Talks about "what he's hearing from upstairs."
-Has list of all golf courses to visit upon retirement
Trainee
-Unable to grow facial hair.
-Watches every episode of Cops.
-Gets excited when the SWAT guys walk by.
-Arrives for work three hours early.
-Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him.
-Won't drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.
New Corrections Officers
- Show up for work 15 minutes early.
- Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2, not the kind admin types use!).
- Wear T-Shirts of your "dream department" under your uniform.
- Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove everything when you arrive at the facility.
- Become friends with every local police officer.
Defensive Tactics Instructors
-Starts stretching before making arrest.
-Can spend hours debating the advantages of RCB vs. straight stick.
-Wears yoga pants off-duty
-Chuck Norris is GOD
-Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton.
-Giggles when a suspect starts to resist.
-Confuses golf swing with baton swing
Firearms Instructor
- Responds to every question/statement with the word, 'huh?'
- Has a % lead/blood level higher than the current Chief's approval rating.
- Operates under the assumption that the more beer you drink, the more of that lead leaves your system.
- Thinks a new tactical handgun is a great Christmas gift for the wife/girlfriend.
- Has an image of a custom 1911-A1 for a screen-saver.
- Wears the latest high-tech electronic hearing protectors during normal conversation.
-Would rather shoot than golf
Bicycle Unit
-Shaves legs...just because they need an excuse to shave legs
-Dignity is non-existent
-Wears size medium uniform shirt with level 4 vest and spandex shorts (looks like a stuffed sausage)
-Thinks teens are laughing because they are excited to see him
-Facebook profile pic and desktop pic is cool bike photo
-Owns DVD collection of Pacific Blue TV series
-Actually got butt hurt during bike patrol scene in 21 Jump Street movie
-Think they look cool in bike uniform, including helmet
-Doesn't golf- can't fit clubs on bike

E2014T
11-02-2015, 10:08 AM
"A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish son grief to his mother."
Proverbs 10:1

Arrest Me Please

Approximately 11 p. m. one night I received a call of a domestic disturbance on old Sheldon Church road. I responded with another Deputy as back-up. Upon our arrival, we found a man in his twenties and his wife having an argument. He was highly intoxicated. They lived with his grandmother, who was very upset that we had to come to her house.

The husband was crying and kept begging us to take him to jail. His grandmother kept telling him that he was embarrassing her by having to have the Police there because she was a pillar of the community. He just kept asking to be arrested.

I told him that he had not done anything for me to arrest him for. He asked me what he would have to do to get arrested. I told him anything that was wrong. He said, "Okay, wait just a minute." He went to a closet and started digging around in it. I looked at my back-up and we both just smiled. We figured he was going to show us some drugs or something so that we would arrest him. He then turned toward us and said, "How about this?" Before either of us could react, we found ourselves looking down the barrel of a .22 caliber rifle.

Again before either of us could do anything the grandmother jumped between us, grabbed the rifle by the barrel, pulled it out of his hands and started beating him over the head with it. We both just stood there happy to be alive, until we realized that she now had him down on the sofa and was still using the rifle like a club to beat him about the head and shoulders. As much as we thought he deserved it, we decided to pull her off before she really hurt him.

She kept begging us not to take him to jail. She said she would take care of the matter. There was no doubt in my mind about that so we agreed, besides she still had hold of the rifle, and I didn't really want her to hit me with it. There was one other thing, I didn't want to have to write the arrest report saying that he pointed a gun at me then a little old lady disarmed and beat him before I got him into custody.

E2014T
11-04-2015, 10:41 AM
Do I look like I'm bluffing?

The best bluff I remember was by the Officer who trained me. On Hilton Head there is a big public parking lot at the entrance to the public beach. We had received many complaints of teenagers playing loud music and drinking at night in the parking lot. This evening we received a report of a large crowd disturbing the peace.

Upon our arrival we found about fifty people in the parking lot. We got out of the patrol car and my partner announced that everyone would have to leave because we had received complaints about the noise. The group had been drinking and they crowded around our car. They asked what we were going to do if they didn't leave. My partner calmly told them that we would put them in jail.

They all started laughing and one wise guy said, "You don't really think you two can take us all to jail do you?"

My partner reached into our patrol car and pulled out the riot 12 gage shotgun. He chambered a round and laid it on the hood of the car. He calmly stated, "Of course not. I don't plan to take all of you to jail just those who are still standing when we run out of ammunition!"

Everyone looked at my partner, then at me, then at everyone else and then they started leaving one by one, until we were alone.

Common sense says that they had to know we could not just start shooting into a crowd, so why did it work? Because no one was sure, or at least one hundred percent sure. Besides that, we gave them all something to tell their friends about.

Another reason this worked was that they thought we would back down because our plight seemed hopeless. When we didn't it threw them off guard so that they did not know what to expect next.

E2014T
11-05-2015, 07:00 AM
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
Proverbs 15:1

Shut Up!!

I responded as back up for another Deputy to a domestic dispute call. The couple were in their seventies. The other Deputy attempted to get them both quieted down so that he could find out what the trouble was and then hopefully settle it.

The husband did quiet down but the old woman just kept on babbling. Every time the Deputy would try to say something she would start trying to out talk him.

It's not easy for an Officer to tell a 70-year old woman to be quiet, I guess because it's kind of like yelling at your Grandmother. However, frustration can finally win out, and that is what happened to this Officer. He looked at her and said, "Look Lady you're going to have to be quiet." Well that didn't slow her down at all.

The more frustrated you get the less you think of her as your Grandmother. Soon the Deputy was pointing his finger at her and shouting, "Look you've got to shut up and be quiet!" The Officer stood about five feet eleven and the woman was about five feet one or two. They were standing about three feet apart facing each other. As he shook his finger at her, his hand was about four inches from her face.

Something in his last statement to her did the trick, she stopped talking, then before he knew what had happened she grabbed his hand in both of hers. She cupped his hand and started kissing it and said, "Yes sir Sheriff!"

I had to step in and handle the rest of the call because he was stunned. He just kept saying, "I can't believe she just did that."

In the end when you think about it she did a better job of shutting him up then he did shutting her up.

okosh
11-14-2015, 08:03 PM
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

okosh
11-14-2015, 08:06 PM
http://d.justpo.st/media/images/2015/10/10/master-of-disguise-black-kitten-sitting-with-black-figurine-cats-1444452233.png

EagleOne
11-19-2015, 12:01 AM
A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthesia shot. "No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. "No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked. "Viagra," she replied.

"I'll be," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer." "It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

okosh
11-20-2015, 08:34 PM
How an Aussie prepares his car for the long hot summer.....SMFH....LMAO....


.
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/d0/44/ca/d044cabb918f5d556c497345d4555858.jpg

okosh
11-21-2015, 08:23 PM
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/99/ea/d4/99ead49b7e1ada40fe4ff733723772e8.jpg

okosh
11-25-2015, 02:15 PM
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/06/1a/75/061a75973c0b63786fab92d3fbac8c66.jpg

okosh
11-27-2015, 07:02 PM
http://d1l9zs272jkxri.cloudfront.net/blog/uploads/2014/12/IMG_5107-168x300.png

E2014T
11-28-2015, 06:24 AM
http://d1l9zs272jkxri.cloudfront.net/blog/uploads/2014/12/IMG_5107-168x300.png
Bad Santa quotes:


Gin: Look here, get himy outta here and I'll go smooth things over with Chipeska, Tell him it was food poisoning or something.
Marcus: What do you mean, get him outta here?
Gin: Take him to the car.
Marcus: In case you didn't notice I'm a motherfucking dwarf, so unless you got a forklift handy, maybe you should lend a hand hmm?
Gin: That figures. You want all kind of set-asides. Special treatment 'cause you're handicapped. You're all the same.
Marcus: Special treatment? I'm 3-foot-*******-tall you asshole! It's a matter of physics. Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh?
Gin: Bitch, Bitch, Bitch!
Marcus: Sketch it up, you ******* moron. ******* Leonardo da Vinci.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0307987/quotes

okosh
12-06-2015, 04:56 AM
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/d3/c2/d8/d3c2d856a706aa4d3d77cb1b6497356d.jpg

okosh
12-06-2015, 04:59 AM
https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/12107735_733700106730764_4267506215808318383_n.jpg ?oh=9b3c32a29e0265e646affc065fb9d986&oe=571B90E9

laidback
12-06-2015, 12:16 PM
12628Hmmm, could be a plan.

laidback
12-06-2015, 12:18 PM
12629
Positively deadly.

Beacon
12-06-2015, 06:12 PM
Guy sitting in a bar having a drink and another guy comes out of the toilet.
1st guy says: You look familiar.
2nd guy: Im not from around here.
1st. Really where you from?
2nd. Im Irish.
1st What a co incidence Im Irish too! Where abouts
2nd Im from Dublin
1st I dont believe it Im from dublin too where abouts?
2nd Pearse St
1st Im from Pearse st too here have a drink. did you go to the christian brothers school
2nd Yeah I want to that left in 1980
1st I left in 1980 too. Were you in the primary school there?
2nd I was in Mrs whites class.
1st So was I!
Owner comes into the bar and asks the barman what sort of night it is. Barman says usual Friday night ...
and the O Brien twins are drunk again.

EagleOne
12-10-2015, 05:26 PM
12629
Positively deadly.

Don't forget the spoons! They make people fat too!

EagleOne
12-10-2015, 05:38 PM
A motorcycle cop is sitting at an intersection when a driver in a fancy sports car runs a red light. So the cop pulls him over. The cop says to the driver, "license and registration." The driver hands them over and the cop walks back to his cycle to run his information. The guy driving the sports car gets out and starts yelling, cussing, calling the cop all kinds of names. The cop hands him back his license and registration and hands him the ticket to sign. When the driver signs the ticket he notices that the cop has put A.H. at the bottom of the ticket. The driver asks him what the A.H. stands for. The cop replies, "It is for Ass Hole so when you are in court I'll know it was you."

When they are in court, the attorney for the driver asks the cop if the ticket he is being shown is an exact duplication of the ticket the officer gave to his client. The cop says the numbers match his copy and yes it is an exact duplicate of his ticket." The attorney then asks the cop, "Do you see the A.H. printed at the bottom of the ticket?" The cop answers "Yes, as I put it there." The attorney then asks, "what does the A.H. stand for?" The cop replies, "Angry and Hostile."

The attorney says, "Don't you mean Ass Hole?" The cop replied, "You know your client better than I do."

okosh
12-10-2015, 08:04 PM
The cop says to the driver, "license and registration."

I don't get the handing over proof of registration bit in America.....Here the cop runs your plates and knows right away if the car is registered...Much simpler way...They even have some new computer now in some cop cars that check the registration of every car as the traffic drives past....You drive past and next thing you know your being pulled over....And the ticket(fine) here is more than the yearly cost of the registration...
BTW...Registration for my SUV is almost $600....But that includes the compulsory insurance to cover if I hit a person(pedestrian).......The actual car you insure separately...As you do the car you might hit...

okosh
12-10-2015, 09:01 PM
Some people are just morons...

https://scontent-syd1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtf1/v/t1.0-9/12342396_911571338922746_9121662539573965581_n.jpg ?oh=3e638ef5703fc797d45973cfc9a6ef6f&oe=57207F7A

12661

12662

12663

12664

littleroundman
12-10-2015, 09:28 PM
Thanks for those, Okosh.

My testicles now permanently reside in my throat

ribshaw
12-11-2015, 12:13 AM
I don't get the handing over proof of registration bit in America.....Here the cop runs your plates and knows right away if the car is registered...Much simpler way...They even have some new computer now in some cop cars that check the registration of every car as the traffic drives past....You drive past and next thing you know your being pulled over....And the ticket(fine) here is more than the yearly cost of the registration...
BTW...Registration for my SUV is almost $600....But that includes the compulsory insurance to cover if I hit a person(pedestrian).......The actual car you insure separately...As you do the car you might hit...

There is some interesting discussion here. https://www.quora.com/Why-does-law-enforcement-ask-for-your-vehicle-registration-when-pulling-you-over

The part about the snips made me chuckle. I got the bright idea to try and remove some of my old registration stickers to make room, that's the stuff they need to be putting in the superglue tubes


License plates give visual evidence of proper registration, but can be moved from vehicle to vehicle. The paper registration is required to be in the possession of the vehicle operator and to be displayed to a law enforcement officer on request in all 50 states. When the officer asks for the paper registration, he's verifying that the registration matches the vehicle the plates are on and that the vehicle is properly registered. Believe it or not, some nefarious people have been known to steal registration stickers and put them on their own license plates. When I lived in Michigan in the early '90s, it was so common as to constitute an epidemic. The thieves would take tin snips to a license plate in the middle of the night and worry about unsticking the adhesive at their leisure.



Other than a solid double check it probably a bit outdated. We do have a problem with Uninsured Motorists | III (http://www.iii.org/fact-statistic/uninsured-motorists) in this country. So much so that companies offer "uninsured motorists" coverage for drivers to add to their own polices. Only in America as you Aussies would say.

laidback
12-14-2015, 10:32 AM
12674Ummm, Yeah!

okosh
12-30-2015, 08:54 PM
12751
.....

okosh
01-02-2016, 03:54 AM
For Sale:

Latest 2016 release selfie stick, capacity to hold yours and 2 friends phones simultaneously, best offer.









.
12797

okosh
01-22-2016, 09:08 PM
Meanwhile over in Western Australia......

BTW...Petrol is what you call gas in USA....




.


Australian thieves left with nasty taste after accidentally siphoning sewage tank instead of petrol

BY LAURIE HANNA NEW YORK DAILY NEWS Thursday, January 21, 2016,


The wannabe thieves got a nasty shock when they siphoned the sewage tank of the bus by accident.
It was an attempted theft that left a nasty taste in the mouth.

Criminals in Australia tried to siphon petrol from the gas tank of a bus — but accidentally tapped into the sewage tank instead.

The bus was found in the Western Australia town of Laverton with a cap on the ground beside it on the ground. Cops say that the unidentified gang got a mouthful of human waste when they tried to siphon fuel from the tank.

“We can infer they beat a very hasty retreat, with a somewhat bitter taste in their mouth,” Laverton Police Sen. Sgt. Heath Soutar told Yahoo News.

Soutar also confirmed that police officers “have absolutely zero interest” in recovering the stolen goods.

Australian thieves siphon sewage tank instead of petrol - NY Daily News (http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/australian-thieves-siphon-sewage-tank-petrol-article-1.2504298)

okosh
01-23-2016, 06:15 PM
Meanwhile on the Gold Coast in Queensland.....

BTW.......
Triple zero is same as 911 in USA.....
Thongs are like flip flops in USA...Or rubber sandals.....
A "Servo" is short for "Service Station"...A gas station in USA....
And "Sunrise" is our version of the NBC Today show.....

So what do you do if you walking past a gas station and you notice that the gas station is being robbed??....

Do you...

A)Call triple zero??...
B)Do nothing and ignore the robbery??....
C)Steal the keys from the ignition of the robbers get away car and then taunt the robber with the keys??......

Watch the video to find out.....

https://au.tv.yahoo.com/sunrise/video/watch/30644536/aussie-mates-stop-gold-coast-robbery/#page1

okosh
01-25-2016, 01:04 AM
Meanwhile down here in Tasmania where I live......That's the smaller and much better island in Australia :RpS_wink:

Yesterday this SUV pulls into town and parks across the street......Stuck out cos was all painted up with writing on the back....I wanted a pic of it so got out my phone, set to camera and walked over to it....

By the time I crossed cos of the traffic 3 woman all in their late 20's to early 30's had got out and were standing by the car.....
I politely asked if I could please take a pic of the back of the car....

The first woman told me to "F off arsehole" and then the other 2 woman joined in and started hurling abuse at me....
I quickly snapped the pic...Said nothing and turned to cross back to the other side of the road....

I can't figure out what I did wrong to deserve such abuse.....I mean I really am a nice guy....

Even though they from Queensland which is over on the mainland I was still really polite and nice to them....

Did I mention that I'm a nice guy??.....



.
http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t193/okosh3466/20160124_143740_zpsnthsjgqe.jpg (http://s160.photobucket.com/user/okosh3466/media/20160124_143740_zpsnthsjgqe.jpg.html)

okosh
01-25-2016, 01:15 AM
About 10 mins later the 3 woman had crossed to my side of the street....I could see out the window that they were out front of my store and one of the woman was flicking through the rack of tops looking for her size....
So I want out and said "would you like some help??".....
Her face turned green and they couldn't leave fast enough.....LOL....

E2014T
01-25-2016, 02:11 AM
The first woman told me to "F off arsehole"

Sure it wasn't Festa in drag?

okosh
01-25-2016, 03:22 AM
Sure it wasn't Festa in drag?

Well it did have a Scottish accent :pao:

E2014T
01-26-2016, 09:17 AM
Well it did have a Scottish accent :pao:
Oy vey. He really needs to get over you and hook up with Nancetta.

E2014T
01-26-2016, 09:26 AM
"Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya."

okosh
01-26-2016, 09:11 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7fxJvEVHjI

okosh
02-01-2016, 08:29 PM
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox informing me that I can have sex at 73....
I'm so happy because I live at number 67 so it's not too far to walk home afterwards.....
And it's on the same side of the street so I don't even have to cross the road!!.....

EagleOne
02-02-2016, 03:07 PM
Two astronauts land on Mars on a Saturday. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.

"Give me the box of matches," says one. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens."

He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms...

"No, no, don't!"

The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars?

Still, he takes another match... and... A crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: "No, no, don't do that!"

One of the astronauts says, "This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless, we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars."

So he strikes a match -- which flames up, burns down, and....NOTHING HAPPENS!!

So he turns to the Martians and asks, "Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?"

The leader of the Martians says, "It's Shabbos(the Sabbath)!"

E2014T
02-04-2016, 06:14 AM
Dear Friend,

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach",
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, he was enjoying this religious experience, too!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.


Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love,
Grandma

okosh
02-04-2016, 11:33 PM
Meanwhile up in Queensland......

This is the message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland, staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.....


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C5Rnb7J3sU

EagleOne
02-19-2016, 01:18 PM
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive �


So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Little Johnny was sitting in the back, quickly raised his hand and said . . . "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Congregation dismissed.

laidback
02-19-2016, 03:43 PM
A lady gets tired of the blonde jokes, so she dyes her hair brown and takes a drive in the country. She stops by a pasture where a farmer is tending his sheep.
She watches for a bit then comments to the farmer, " that is a nice flock of sheep. If I guess how many you have, can I have one?" "Sure," says the farmer.
She looks over the field and says, "You have exactly 322 sheep." "Right," says the farmer,"you may have one!"
As she is loading the animal, the farmer comes over and asks, "If I guess what color your hair used to be, can I have my dog back?"

E2014T
02-23-2016, 08:42 AM
Once upon a time Nasreddin Hodja, the famous trickster, was walking toward the border between his country and another. He led a donkey by a rope, and the donkey was laden with straw.

When the border inspector spied Hodja, he smiled and rubbed his hands gleefully. "Ah, this man is a trickster, and surely he is smuggling something. Watch this," he whispered to his fellow inspectors. "I shall find his smuggled goods."

The inspector stopped Hodja. "Sir, you must allow me to search your donkey. I am certain you are attempting to smuggle valuable goods across the border, into Persia."

Hodja nodded solemnly. "Search away, good fellow," he said, "but I'm afraid you'll find nothing but straw."

The inspector frowned. "Everyone knows you're a trickster," he said. "And that you always have a trick up your sleeve."

Hodja nodded again, and the inspector began his search. He pulled at the bundles of straw, scattering straw here, there and everywhere. He reached inside each bundle. He called to his assistants, and they examined the straw bundles carefully.

But search as they would, the inspectors found nothing hidden in Hodja's straw, and so they sent him on his way across the border.

A week later Hodja returned, once again leading a donkey laden with straw. "Ah ha," the inspector said to him, "you likely think we won't search you this time, but you are wrong."

The inspector called to every assistant, and 10 men plucked and pulled and yanked at the straw, tossing it everywhere and making quite a mess.

But the men found nothing at all, and the inspector had no choice but to let Hodja pass the border.

The next week the same thing happened, and the same happened the next. Every week for many months Hodja led his donkey to the border, and every week for many months the inspector eyed him with the greatest suspicion. As time passed, the inspector's determination to expose Hodja as a smuggler grew fiercer, and every week his searches took longer.

Still Hodja never lost his temper nor grew upset. He simply stood and waited while the search went on, and every single time the inspectors found no hidden treasure.

A year passed this way. Word spread far and wide. "The border patrol believe Hodja's a smuggler," people said, but no one could prove this was true.

However, the rumors persisted. People wondered what he might be smuggling. Did he carry valuable coins across borders? Was he hiding gold, perhaps? Or maybe he transformed the straw itself into gold, as some said magicians could do. Could Hodja be more than a trickster? Perhaps he was a magician, too.

In this way, Hodja's reputation as a clever smuggler spread far and wide, across every nearby border.

Still the inspector was determined to undo the plump little man with the unfailingly serene expression. "No one will outwit me," he promised, and so each time Hodja appeared, the inspector searched his donkey and straw.

This went on for years. The inspector grew old, and soon it was time for him to retire. "I cannot stop working until I have discovered Hodja's secret," he swore, and so he worked on, well past retirement age, deep into old age.

At long last he was far too tired to go to work, and his eyesight was failing. Finally, he left his post.

But he never stopped thinking of Hodja. Had he smuggled treasures in the donkey's tail? Perhaps they should have searched the donkey's mouth. He sent word to the border men, and so they continued to search.

And then one day Hodja simply stopped crossing the border.

Still the inspector could not stop thinking of him. He decided to visit Hodja in his hometown of Aksehir, for he realized that he would never be satisfied until he had gotten the truth out of him. So he traveled across the border.

He found Hodja sitting idly in the marketplace, enjoying the warmth of the sun and the sweetness of his coffee. "Sir," said the inspector, "excuse me, but I have to know. I cannot rest. All those years you crossed the border and we searched you -- surely you were smuggling something?"

Hodja looked at the inspector and smiled his warmest smile. Slowly he nodded.

"Please, you must tell me. What was it? Gold? Silver? Were you smuggling food or spirits? Cloth, perhaps? Where did you hide it?"

With each guess Hodja just shook his head.

"Won't you tell an old man, sir? I'll never rest in peace unless I know."

And because Hodja was a kind man and did not wish the inspector to spend the rest of his days worrying, he nodded, "Yes. I'll tell you now. I was smuggling donkeys."

laidback
02-28-2016, 12:52 AM
[A retired guy sits around the house all day, so one day his wife says, “Ken, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week."

Ken gives it a moment’s thought and says: “Sure ! Why not.
Where’s the vacuum ?"

Half an hour later, Ken comes into the kitchen to get some coffee.

His wife says, “I didn't hear the vacuum running: I thought you were going to do the vacuuming ?”

Exasperated, Ken answers,”The stupid thing is broken: it won't start. We need to buy a new one.”

“Really ?” she says, “show me -- it worked fine the last time.”

So he shows her.https://videos.files.wordpress.com/Xblfe4qf/retired-vacum-cleaner_dvd.mp4

littleroundman
02-28-2016, 06:13 AM
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3uripv

EagleOne
03-01-2016, 02:32 PM
It was entertainment night at the senior assisted living center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch" The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact. "****!!!" exclaimed Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Home and Claude was never invited there again.

laidback
03-01-2016, 04:19 PM
What is the difference between a paratrooper and a golfer? The golfer goes, WHACK!... "CRAP!"
The paratrooper goes, "CRAP!" WHACK!

EagleOne
03-01-2016, 06:58 PM
A blonde calls her brunette friend and tells her she will pick her up for them to go shopping. When she arrives, she surprises her friend with her new car. After oohing and awing over the car the head off to the mall. The come to a stop sign and the blonde stops and just sits there. After about 4 minutes the brunette says to the blonde: "What are you doing just sitting here?" To which the blonde replied: "Duh, I am waiting for the sign to turn green."

laidback
03-04-2016, 07:30 PM
Malaprops anyone?
A young woman goes into a hospital waiting room and huddles over in the corner, looking all worried. After a bit, the nurse receptionist goes over and asks,"can we help you, miss?"
The young woman shyly says, "I need to see an upturn." The nurse replies, Upturn?, Do you mean intern?" "Yeah, I guess so," the young woman mumbles. The nurse then asks,
" Why do you need to see an intern?" " So he can recommend a good musician," the young woman responds brightly. "Umm, says the nurse," "Do you mean physician?"
"Yeah, I guess so," the young woman responds. "Okay," says the nurse, "Why do you need a physician?" The young woman ponders for a moment and then says," I need to see an upturn
so he can recommend a good musician, because I missed my demonstration and I think I'm stagnant!"

okosh
03-13-2016, 10:23 PM
13275
......................

okosh
03-22-2016, 10:16 PM
I finally found a use for that crappy Justin Bieber CD I got given for Xmas last year....:RpS_thumbsup:

.

13340

EagleOne
03-23-2016, 12:14 AM
I finally found a use for that crappy Justin Bieber CD I got given for Xmas last year....:RpS_thumbsup:

.

13340

For a minute there I thought it was the latest update from Charles Scoville on the TM World Bank.

okosh
03-26-2016, 03:28 AM
How a true blue Aussie goes camping over Easter....

13368

okosh
03-26-2016, 09:49 PM
..........
13378

okosh
03-31-2016, 03:24 AM
13450
..........

okosh
04-23-2016, 08:36 PM
The wife's been missing a week now....Police said to prepare for the worst....
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back...

okosh
05-30-2016, 10:21 PM
14221
..........

okosh
06-13-2016, 08:58 PM
Meanwhile in outback Australia....


.
14309

okosh
06-16-2016, 11:35 PM
14342
..........

EagleOne
07-08-2016, 09:04 PM
A blonde walks up to the counter and says in a loud voice: "I'd like a cheeseburger, large fries and a chocolate shake." The lady behind the counter leans over and whispers, "This is a Library." The blonde looks to her left and to her right and sees everyone reading quietly, and then leans back over the counter and whispers back, "I'd like a cheeseburger, large fries, and a chocolate shake."

okosh
07-17-2016, 07:22 PM
Meanwhile in outback Australia.....


.
14580

okosh
07-17-2016, 09:14 PM
Meanwhile in USA....


.
14581

okosh
07-19-2016, 07:17 PM
Meanwhile at the Republican convention......

Michelle Obama called.....She wants her speech back.....
:duh:

okosh
07-30-2016, 08:16 PM
Meanwhile in Melbourne Australia.....


Driver playing Pokemon Go crashes into St Francis Xavier College in Berwick

A 19-year-old man has crashed his car into a school while playing Pokemon Go in Melbourne's south-east.

Police believe the man was trying to catch a Pokemon on the popular mobile app when he lost control of his vehicle and crashed into St Francis Xavier College in Berwick about 6.50pm on Thursday.

Driver playing Pokemon Go crashes into St Francis Xavier College in Berwick (http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/driver-playing-pokemon-go-crashes-into-xavier-college-in-berwick-20160728-gqg9ae.html)

okosh
07-30-2016, 08:22 PM
Meanwhile in America.....


.
14744


.14745

okosh
07-30-2016, 09:35 PM
I just went home from having dinner at Mcdonalds to find four Police Officers in my house looking for something, acting like lunatics!.....They checked through the air conditioner and inside my bed mattress tearing it apart, took all the couch seats completely out and turn the couch upside down!!......When I asked what you are doing in my house and if they had a search warrant, they answered back "Where did you hide it"?......We know it got to be somewhere!......Then I watched one of the Police Officers look at his mobile phone and then he shouted: "Stop it! We are in the wrong house! The Pokemon is next door!!!......

okosh
08-08-2016, 08:00 PM
A frustrated husband in front of his laptop.....


Dear google, please do not behave like my wife...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting....

okosh
08-16-2016, 09:36 PM
“A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you stick your little finger in it, wiggle it around, and then pull it out, which feels better—your ear or your finger?”

okosh
08-16-2016, 09:50 PM
This is brilliant....Well worth watching to the end....



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O70Ww9vzjvg

okosh
08-17-2016, 11:41 PM
15142
................

okosh
08-19-2016, 09:02 PM
the husband just took some viagra tablets for his sunburn. It wont help it but it will keep the sheets of his legs.

smh....lol....

okosh
08-25-2016, 08:09 PM
15376

smh...lol....

okosh
10-10-2016, 08:29 PM
....A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little b*****ds!

okosh
10-10-2016, 08:46 PM
LOL.........


I went to doctors today I was lying on the examination table when he asked "How's your Libido ? "My what I replied Libido he said, Do you feel like having Sex? Okay I replied but it will have to be a quickie the husband waiting in car...

laidback
10-11-2016, 12:54 AM
Picture, if you will the poor tongue tied holdup man doing his first holdup...He steps up to the clerk at the convenience store, whips out his gun and says to the clerk, " Get your @ss over your head before I blow your hands off, you mother sticker, this is a f**kup!

okosh
10-12-2016, 07:02 PM
............

16325

laidback
11-04-2016, 03:57 PM
Why do married women weigh more than single women?
Single woman comes home, sees what is in the fridge and goes to bed, married woman comes home, sees what's in the bed and goes to the fridge!

laidback
11-04-2016, 03:59 PM
I didn't make it to the gym today.
That makes five years in a row!

ribshaw
11-04-2016, 09:49 PM
I didn't make it to the gym today.
That makes five years in a row!

That is the latest wisdom.

16635

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.

Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?


A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO,what a ride!!"


16634

laidback
11-05-2016, 12:46 AM
I don't need anger management, I need people to stop irritating me!

laidback
11-05-2016, 12:49 AM
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People move out of the way much faster now!

okosh
11-13-2016, 12:59 AM
16718
..........

laidback
11-13-2016, 10:22 AM
I've found the perfect woman
No man could ask for more
She's deaf and blind and oversexed
And owns a liquor store!

okosh
12-01-2016, 07:21 PM
A chicken farmer went to a local bar ... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence" the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... "I too am celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" Says the woman.
"What a coincidence!" says the farmer as they clinked glasses the man asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."
'That's great!' says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence. So did I."

EagleOne
12-10-2016, 03:58 PM
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.

They carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."

Heard over the loudspeaker, "Man down in Aisle 5."

EagleOne
12-16-2016, 07:58 PM
A father asks his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees?

“I don’t want to know,” the child said bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong? The boy sobbed,

“When I was six, I got the “There’s no Easter Bunny speech. At seven I got the there’s no Tooth Fairy speech. When I was eight you hit me with the there’s no Santa speech. If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups really don’t get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

ribshaw
12-24-2016, 05:02 PM
Scroll down to see the nude Santa






















17205





THERE IS NO SANTA



17206

Merry XMAS everyone.

laidback
12-24-2016, 05:52 PM
17207merry christmas!

okosh
01-30-2017, 04:44 AM
Went for a job interview yesterday, "The guy said well so your interested in working with us what's your experience with mentally disturbed people? "I said have been on fb for over 5 years now, He says jobs your so I start next week...

okosh
01-30-2017, 04:46 AM
You know you're drunk when you get home from the pub, put food in the microwave and then enter your PIN number.!!

laidback
01-30-2017, 10:03 AM
I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, get drunk, fall down, no problem!

okosh
02-13-2017, 05:26 AM
Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

okosh
02-13-2017, 05:27 AM
A young man watched an elderly couple sit down to lunch at a restaurant.
He noticed that they had ordered one meal and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the old man carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries – one for him, one for her, until each had an even number.
Then the old man poured half the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat and his wife sat watching with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man hesitated, then approached the couple and asked if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they wouldn't have to split theirs.
The old man said, "Oh no. We've been married for 50 years, and everything has always been, and always will be shared 50-50."
The young man asked the old woman if she was going to eat.
"Later," she replied. "It's his turn with the teeth.

okosh
02-13-2017, 05:28 AM
An elderly couple is going to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."
The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.
One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again.

okosh
02-13-2017, 05:30 AM
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"
He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you **** on its head."..

EagleOne
02-20-2017, 07:43 AM
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman. Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. 'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.’ The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman. You've no knickers. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.’ Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie. Where tae hell are yer drawers?’ She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money at be able tae afford any.’ The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a wee bit.'

EagleOne
03-01-2017, 02:16 AM
Jim and his Mother-in-law didn't get along at all. Jim's mother-in-law died, and Jim was at the mortuary to make plans for her disposition. The Undertaker asked, "Which should we do -----Embalm, Cremate her, or merely bury her? Jim answered, "all 3 . Let's not take any chances!!!!!!!"

EagleOne
03-01-2017, 02:21 AM
Paddy says to Sean "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow." Sean says "I had that done when I was just a few days old." Paddy asks, "Did it hurt?" Sean replied, "I couldn't walk for about a year."

EagleOne
03-02-2017, 05:29 PM
A man came down with the Flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. She was so thrilled to have him around that when a DELIVERY MAN or the MAILMAN ARRIVED, She ran out and YELLED as LOUD as She could, My HUSBAND'S HOME ! MY HUSBAND'S HOME!!

EagleOne
03-07-2017, 05:31 AM
Wallace walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier called out to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.”

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.” He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, Wallace intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his “barracks door.” He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?”

The lady, who was a bit sharper than the man, thought for a moment and said, “No, no, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old Duffel bags.”

littleroundman
03-07-2017, 06:33 AM
Man, that one was first told when Moses was playing quarterback for the Israelites

EagleOne
03-07-2017, 03:39 PM
Man, that one was first told when Moses was playing quarterback for the Israelites

Hmm, I thought Moses was the coach and Aaron was the quarterback. The "oldies" are the best! It's why they are the "oldies." :RpS_lol:

okosh
03-13-2017, 04:52 AM
Ok...One for the boys....

Is this the perfect remote control??...

18303

okosh
03-13-2017, 04:56 AM
18304
..........

okosh
03-13-2017, 04:58 AM
18305
..........

EagleOne
03-22-2017, 03:31 PM
A blonde friend of mine asked me if I knew what IDK stood for. I said, "I don't know." She said, "Does anybody? You're the 50th person I have asked and none of you knew the answer."

EagleOne
04-08-2017, 01:38 AM
Can someone from the UK help me out here. Here's my friend's dilemma:

"I have a Benefits Question:

Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorization.

As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather. In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits in the UK?

okosh
04-16-2017, 04:03 AM
.........
18809

okosh
04-17-2017, 06:10 AM
18824
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EagleOne
04-18-2017, 12:08 PM
A wife was standing naked looking at herself in the mirror and said to her husband, "I can't believe it. My arms have sagging muscles, my boobs are dropping, my butt is fat, my wrinkles have wrinkles, is there anything positive about me?"

The husband replied, "Well, your eyesight is still 20/20."

The swelling of his eyes should go down in about 4 days so he can see again.

EagleOne
04-18-2017, 12:19 PM
A wife was standing naked looking at herself in the mirror and said to her husband, "I can't believe it. My arms have sagging muscles, my boobs are dropping, my butt is fat, my wrinkles have wrinkles, is there anything positive about me?"

The husband replied, "Well, your eyesight is still 20/20."

The swelling of his eyes should go down in about 4 days so he can see again.

laidback
04-18-2017, 12:45 PM
So Ole the lumberjack finally breaks down and buys a chainsaw on the store assurance that he would be able to cut 10 cords of wood a day with it. After 3 days Ole comes back into the sore and complains that the most he can cut is 6 cords, The clerk can't understand what the problem might be so he grabs the saw and pulls on the starter rope,"Vroom" it goes. "What's that noise?" Ole asks...!

okosh
06-21-2017, 04:18 AM
19614
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okosh
06-21-2017, 04:20 AM
19615
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okosh
06-21-2017, 04:24 AM
19616
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okosh
06-21-2017, 04:26 AM
19617
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okosh
06-21-2017, 04:30 AM
19618
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okosh
06-22-2017, 05:08 AM
19633
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okosh
06-22-2017, 05:11 AM
19634
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okosh
06-22-2017, 05:32 AM
19635
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okosh
06-23-2017, 07:44 PM
19656
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okosh
08-01-2017, 08:47 PM
Meanwhile in America......

.


Oval Office Fumigated After Complaints Of Overwhelming Smell Of Bullshit

19993

A PARADE of trucks, from several competing fumigation service providers, were seen lining up outside the White House at 7am this morning following reports that the Oval Office may have become infested with noxious bullshit.

Many concerned citizens working in buildings in the surrounding Washington DC area complained about the overwhelming stench shortly after the office of the President issued a press release yesterday evening confirming FBI Director James Comey had been fired by President Trump.

“You know, it’s the kind of smell that just lodges itself up in your nose, and gives your gag reflex something to think about,” shared one person who could smell it all the way from his office in the Senate building.

People from far away as Florida, California and Texas subsequently reported the smell to the relevant authorities shortly after the Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, who had recused himself from being directly involved in a probe into the Trump administration’s alleged ties with Russia, fired the man who was leading the probe.

In a bid to sanitise and clean up the stench, rival fumigation firms have confirmed they will have to work around the clock and have been candid about the task ahead.

“We can’t be certain, but that office may never be the same again,” bullshit suction pump operator Guillem Sanchez shared with WWN before screaming “we’re going to need a bigger suction pump” to a nearby colleague.

Despite the pungent odour emanating from the Oval Office, President Trump tweeted just moments ago confirming that he couldn’t smell anything.

Oval Office Fumigated After Complaints Of Overwhelming Smell Of Bullshit – Waterford Whispers News (http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/2017/05/10/oval-office-fumigated-after-complaints-of-overwhelming-smell-of-bullshit/)

EagleOne
08-08-2017, 07:28 PM
I am getting really nervous and concerned. I swallowed a large ice cube yesterday and I still haven't passed it.

EagleOne
08-14-2017, 03:07 AM
President Trump gets a late night call from Hillary Clinton. She tells him that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg has died, and she wants to take her place. Trump tells her it is OK with him if it is OK with the funeral home. Hillary smashes her phone with a hammer.

EagleOne
08-18-2017, 01:14 AM
I have people all the time telling me that I don't know Jack ****. That's not true.

Jack **** is the only son of Aww **** who married Oh ****, owners of Knee Deep in ****, Inc. Jack **** married No ****. The couple had 6 children: Holy ****, Giva ****, Fulla ****, Bull ****, and the twins Deep **** and Dip ****. Deep **** married Dumb ****, a college dropout.
After 15 years, Jack & No **** divorced. No **** married Ted Sherlock and became No **** Sherlock.

So as you can see when people tell me that I don't know Jack ****, I can say, "Yes I do!"

okosh
08-28-2017, 09:53 PM
One for the Aussies!!!!

20146

The woman in the pic is Australian Senator Pauline Hanson founder of the One Nation political party....20 years ago her platform was to stop the "Asian invasion"...today it's ban the burka and ban Islam...
Couple of weeks ago in an attempt to prove that the full burqua is a security risk she wore one into parliament and over acted when taking it off thinking that people would be shocked but all the politicians and security knew it was her....
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pauline_Hanson

okosh
08-28-2017, 09:54 PM
20147
..........

okosh
08-28-2017, 09:55 PM
20148
..........

okosh
08-28-2017, 09:58 PM
20149
..........

okosh
09-04-2017, 08:55 PM
..........
20168

okosh
09-19-2017, 09:44 PM
Jewish new year starts in few hours....It's custom to dip apple in honey for a sweet year....



.
20249

okosh
09-19-2017, 09:48 PM
Smfh.....lol...

20250

okosh
09-19-2017, 09:50 PM
20251
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epacian
09-30-2017, 04:00 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5h0J-k8chI

This one might entertain you :D

littleroundman
09-30-2017, 07:22 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5h0J-k8chI

This one might entertain you :D


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5h0J-k8chI

okosh
10-11-2017, 10:34 PM
20377
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okosh
10-11-2017, 10:35 PM
20378
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okosh
10-11-2017, 10:36 PM
20379
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ribshaw
10-17-2017, 04:13 PM
I started a company selling landmines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

petergreen
10-18-2017, 08:28 AM
kills me every time
20425

okosh
10-25-2017, 08:03 PM
20460
..........

EagleOne
11-22-2017, 07:49 PM
An 8 year old and a 6 year old are raking the yard. The 8 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss." The 6 year old nods his head in approval.

The 8 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 6 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 8 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 6 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

EagleOne
11-23-2017, 02:47 AM
A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex."

A hospital spokesman replied, "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

EagleOne
04-19-2018, 04:30 PM
Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make.

I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Regards, Richard

Neighbors response:

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expected you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all. Regards, Richard.